Bush's Speech, Sassed Part 1

Straight from GerorgeWBush.com

(Remarks as prepared for delivery.)

Mr. Chairman, delegates, fellow citizens: I am honored by your support, and I accept your nomination for President of the United States. What else did you expect? Something clever and witty like “I’m John Kerry, reporting for duty?” When I said those words four years ago, none of us could have envisioned what these years would bring. Can I get a witness or million? In the heart of this great city, we saw tragedy arrive on a quiet morning.

A tragedy I could have prevented if I was paying attention. On a morning when I was just getting back into the groove of Washington intellectualism by taking a refresher course on a story about a goat. He reminded me of me. And he reminded me of the Autumn of the Patriarch. Could Llosa’s story be coming true for me? I tell you what, personally, right after I heard the news, I was so glad to be back in kindergarten. Did you see me that day? You see the look of a man of imagination, reflecting back upon my days in grade school, imagining what it would have been like to actually learn something. For a moment, I was so lost in thought that even forgot that just 10 seconds ago I was told that we were under attack. I wished I had read the papers they put in front of me every morning. Then I thought about what it was like to be such a good president that I get to take off three out of every seven days. Then, well then, my little daydream was interrupted and I was dragged out of my class because of some tragic news.

We saw the bravery of rescuers grow with danger AWK as I darted around the south in my jet plane like a scared rabbit running from his own shadow. We learned of passengers on a doomed plane who died with a courage that frightened their killers. Although I had nothing to do with that, I’ll take credit for it anyway. Confidentially, while they were thwarting the last wave of attack, I was changing my drawers.

We have seen a shaken economy rise to its feet. And collapse back down to its knees, gasping for life. And we have seen Americans in uniform storming mountain strongholds looking for bin Laden who I let get away months earlier, and charging through sandstorms at least when their equipment worked, and liberating millions of dollars into the pockets of my dear friends, with acts of valor that would make the men of Normandy proud that they fought in a just war, not a stupid move like Iraq.

Since 2001, Americans have been given hills to climb by my corporate buddies, and found the strength to climb them even though it cost them billions of dollars. Now, because we have made the hard journey, we can see the valley below where the promised land lies. Now, because we have faced challenges with resolve to deny responsibility, we have historic, reactionary goals within our reach, and greatness in our rapturous future.

We will build a safer world for my money and a more hopeful America for those of you who already have more money than you will ever need -- and nothing will hold us back from making life miserable for everyone else.

In the work we have done, and the work we will do, I am fortunate to have a superb Vice President who cares just as much about power and domination as I do. I have counted on Dick Cheney's calm and steady judgment in difficult days while I was busy changing my drawers, and I am honored to have him at my side always equipped with a clean set of drawers. But enough about my drawers. I need to dole out some props to my peeps here in the audience.

I am grateful to share my walk in life with Laura Bush, who I pray to God that she stops dissin Dick. Americans have come to see the goodness and kindness and strength I first saw 26 years ago, and we love our First Lady. [Laura got up gracefully, and sat down in a timely manner]

I am a fortunate father of two spirited, intelligent, and lovely young women. I am blessed with a sister and brothers who are also my closest friends and are willing to break the law for me. And I will always be the proud and grateful son of George and Barbara Bush. [Pop made the boo boo of applauding himself. I hope Judith Martin doesn’t critique that.]

My father served eight years at the side of another great American robber baron -- Ronald Reagan. His spirit of optimism about decreasing revenue and expanding government spending and goodwill toward those who weren’t gay, liberal, minority or any other social outcast and decency toward the right wing monkeys are in this hall, and in our tiny black hearts, and will always define our militant and greedy party.

Two months from today, voters who we let vote will make a farcical, like last time, choice for me based on the bigoted records we have built, the tyrannical convictions we hold, and the short-sighted vision that guides us inexorably forward into the abyss, er, valley. A presidential election is a contest for the future. Tonight I will tell you where I stand in the abyss, what I believe about how we can hasten the second-coming, and where I will lead this miserable ungrateful country in the next four years of my regime.

I believe every child can learn but it’s too late for me, and every school must teach the curriculum I approve -- so we passed the most important and oppressive and under funded federal education reform in history. Because we acted, children are making sustained progress in reading and math in only a small percentage of rich localities, a few of America's schools are getting better, and nothing will hold us back from making life miserable for everyone else.

I believe we have a moral responsibility to honor America's seniors or at least appear to do so while we rob them blind and deaf -- so I brought Republicans and Democrats together to strengthen corporate interest in Medicare. Now seniors are getting immediate help buying medicine at the highest possible prices. Soon every senior will be able to get prescription drug coverage that prevents them from finding lower prices in the marketplace, and nothing will hold us back from making life miserable for them as death stalks them and we suck away every dollar they have stowed away in those juicy retirement accounts.

I believe in the energy and innovative spirit of America's workers to find their meals in the dumpster behind Pizza Hut when I ship their jobs overseas, multinational mega wealthy entrepreneurs, corporate farmers, and mad cow ranchers -- so we unleashed that energy to destroy the federal budget surplus with the largest tax relief for rich people in a generation. Because we acted so thoughtlessly, our economy is growing at the slowest pace in recent history again, and creating hundreds of thousands of working class poverty jobs, and nothing will hold us back from making life miserable for these wretched bastards.

I believe the most solemn duty of the American president is to protect the American people from boogie monsters. If America shows uncertainty in its imperial attitude and the weakness of helping those in need around the globe in this decade, the world will drift toward the tragedy of global peace, prosperity and a sustainable future. This will not happen on my watch.

I am running for President, hoping I can actually get elected this time, with a clearly pathological and positively sociopathic plan to build a safer world for our beloved billionaires, except for that ass Soros, and a more hopeful America where might does make right. I am running with a baffling compassionate conservative malarkey philosophy: that government should help rich people improve their lives, and as long as you are a white male property owner, not try to run their lives. I believe this Nation wants steady stupid, consistent redundant, dominantly principled tyrannical leadership -- and that is why, with your help, we will win this election and not have to steal it again.

The story of America is the story of expanding liberty: an ever-widening circle of economic and military influence, constantly growing to reach further and include more in our imperial grasp. Our Nation's compassionate conservative revisionists’ founding commitment is still our deepest commitment: In our world, and here at home, we will extend the imperial frontiers of freedom to our new colonies by using our military to clobber evil boogiemen.

The times in which we live and work are changing dramatically from the hope and prosperity we experienced under Slick Willie. The workers of our parents' generation typically had one job, one skill, one career -- often with one company that provided health care and a juicy pension I cannot wait to sink my teeth deeper into. And the best of those workers who rose to power positions were hegemonious, misogynist, gaybashing, bigoted white men like me who did our best to keep the masses down and line our pockets your blood and sweat.

Today, workers change jobs, even careers, many times during their lives, and in one of the most disappointing and dramatic shifts our society has seen, two-thirds of all Moms, who should be at home barefoot and pregnant without the freedom to have a safe abortion should the pregnancy be a risk to her own life, also work outside the home and are even encouraged by those revolutionary feminists to take control of their lives.

This morbidly changed world can be a time of great opportunity for all rich Americans to earn a better living while sitting on your fat ass, support your family’s gluttonous consumer habits, and have a rewarding career being a leach on society. And government must take your side and crush the poor working class like the vermin they are. Many of our most fundamental systems -- the progressive tax code, inexpensive health coverage, guaranteed pension plans, worker skill improvement training -- were created for the crazy liberal world of yesterday, not the wide-eyed greedy tyranny of a Bush tomorrow. We will transform these systems so that all rich and powerful citizens are equipped, prepared and have competetive advantage -- and thus, if I may make a logical nonsequiter, truly free -- to make your choices and crush your dreams.

My devious plan begins with providing the security and opportunity of a growing economy where the top two percent of wealth exerts angry control over the bottom ninety-eight. We now compete unfairly in a global market that conquers new buyers for our goods, but also subjugates new competition that will labor in slave-like conditions for our workers, who are a lot more difficult to control now since the end of slavery and the institution of the minimum wage. To create more crappy, spirit crushing jobs in America, rich and powerful America must be the best place in the world to do corrupted business. To create these crappy jobs, my plan will encourage investment and expansion for our rich and elite by restraining federal spending in middle and lower class programs, reducing regulation that penalizes criminal behavior, reckless speculation and market manipulation, and making upper-class tax relief permanent.

To create these menial jobs, we will make our country less dependent on foreign sources of energy by annexing as many of the world’s most prodigious oil producing nations as we can. To create these cruel and underpaid jobs, we will expand illegal trade and using all the bombs in our arsenal, level the playing field to sell government subsidized, underpriced American goods and services and weapons across the globe. And we must protect small limited liability business owners and workers from the explosion of frivolous personal injury lawsuits that threaten jobs across America for my friends who feel that your life and liberties and pain and suffering should not be given a price tag by a jury of your peers congruent with the damage we do.

Another drag on our economy is the current minimally progressive tax code, which is a complicated mess because of all the things we do that are illegal and corrupt -- filled with special interest loopholes, meaning convoluted paperwork and government scrutiny over corrupt enterprises, saddling our rich people with more than six billion hours of paperwork and headache every year to try and keep their unscrupulous behinds out of prison. The rich American people deserve to be above the law -- and our economic future demands -- a simpler, fairer, pro-growth system to help corrupt and incompetent entrepreneurs like myself.

In a new term, I will lead a coerced bipartisan effort to reform and simplify the federal tax code so that we are free to take advantage of you in any way we please.

Another priority in a new term will be to help workers take advantage of the expanding economy to find better, higher-paying jobs, as long as real worker income growth does not exceed the CPI. In this time of change, many workers want to go back to school to learn different or higher-level skills. I wish I had done that before becoming president. Have you ever tried to make sense of an education from Yale? I was much better suited for Crawford Community Stable Skills Academy and College.

So we will double the number of people served by our principal job training program and increase funding for community colleges through unfunded mandates designed to make your state go broke. I know that with the right skills, American workers can compete with anyone, anywhere in the world because we will lower your standard of living until we have you all rounded up into the ghettoes again.

In this time of spare change, panhandling opportunity in some communities is more distant than in others. To stand with workers in poor communities -- and those that have lost manufacturing, textile, and other jobs -- we will create American crushed opportunity zones. In these areas, we'll provide tax relief for new, rich investors and other incentives to attract new multinational business, and improve the capacity of multi-family housing and low-wage job training to bring false hope and menial work throughout all of America.

As I've traveled the country, I've met many workers and small business owners who have told me they are worried they cannot afford health care. More than half of the uninsured are small business employees and their families. I really don’t care, but here’s a dumb idea that I’m going to campaign on to make it look like I know what I am talking about. In a new term, we must allow small firms to join together to purchase insurance at the discounts available to big companies, by allowing the large companies to buy or bankrupt all the small businesses.

We will offer a tax credit to encourage small businesses and their employees to set up health savings accounts just like the ones they can now, and provide direct help for low-income Americans to purchase them from my buddies and me. These accounts give workers the security of underfunded insurance against major illness which will put you in debt for the rest of your life instead of being covered in the risk pool by your HMO premium, the opportunity to continue to save tax-free for routine health expenses, and the freedom of knowing you can take your account with you whenever you change jobs. And that’s the best idea I can think up.

Oh, yeah, And we will provide low-income Americans with better access to poor quality assembly line health care: In a new term, I will ensure every poor county in America has a community or rural health center. And they say I’m all hat. It depends on what you consider cattle to be.

As I have traveled our country in the lap of luxury like despots of yore, I have met too many not very good doctors, especially OB-GYNS who molest their patients, if I may give a shout out and another complete nonsequiter at you, who are being forced out of practice because of the high cost of lawsuits filed by patients they have maimed and harmed. To make incompetent health care more affordable and accessible, we must pass medical liability reform now becaused, just because your life is ruined, that does not entitle you to make a federal case out of it. And in all we do to improve health care profits in America, we will make sure that health decisions are made by doctors and not patients, and not regulated by populist bureaucrats in Washington, DC to protect against malpractice .

End of Part 1. Check back later for more.